Life as Katie

The Storyteller

2008-10-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Then one day ... about a month ago, they stepped off the plane with me into Ireland. Onto the sweet, damp, ancient, beautiful, story-telling earth of the Motherland - Maggie Koch

Maggie was talking about her favorite pair of Chuck Taylor's.

Enough about me, there is someone I must tell you about. Someone that brings me so much joy. This little girl...I'm sorry, this young lady...came into my life when I was in 5th grade. She was a feisty young thing with a fiery temper when she was a baby. She then became a funny little toddler with a devlish laugh. I watched her grow up so fast. Some days were fun. Mandie and I would take her on adventures to the "big city" when she was just a grade schooler. I took her to her first concert. Some days it was hard watching her take her hits as she became a teenager. I helped her move into college. I was there for her when she called needing a friend. She was there when I called her needing a friend. I was there when she needed a big sister. She was there when I needed a little sister.

My baby sister, Maggie, is now on the journey of her life. She's studying in Ireland right now. She blogs about her travels and we get to chat every once awhile on line. It helps us bridge the gap.

Maggie is a brilliant storyteller and the tales of her adventures in Ireland make me smile, laugh and cry.

I smile because I see this wonderful lil girl just blossom into this smart, adventurous, confident young woman. Her stories just glow in a way that I haven't seen from her in a while. It brings me so much joy to know she is doing so well. In her pictures, her eyes are so lit up! She has that devilish smile that she had when she was a wee one.

I laugh because some of her tales are just so silly and real. She describes things in such vivid language that I feel like I'm sitting at the pub watching the Irish gentleman buy the little girl who is "no bigger than a pint of Guinness" another pint.

I cry because I miss her and when she comes back....well....I'll be on an adventure of my own.

Her travel blog is http://www.travelpod.com/members/mmgill

I highly recommend checking it out. Not just because she's my little sister but, because she's a storyteller and who doesn't love a great teller of the tales :D

Monday musings about spilling my emotional guts

2008-10-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Loneliness, insomnia, and change: the fear of these is even worse than the reality. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A couple of days ago I spilled my emotional guts. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I hypervenilated. I sobbed. My stomach hurt. My eyes were red. I was shaking.

I put it all out on the table. This is me. This is how I'm feeling. I understand that it may not make sense but that doesn't mean it's not real. Some days it doesn't even make sense to me. I understand that it may sound like I'm griping about everything. I know it sounds like I'm always negative. I know that I'm worried about being lonely and I haven't even left yet. I know I haven't been acting like myself but understand it's because I feel trapped in this box of absolute panic.

It was quite liberating. Physically exhausting but, very liberating.

Just to hear myself say those things and to have those things actually heard felt so comforting. To admit that I just can't handle all the changes by myself felt like I was learning to trust someone else (something that I am admittedly do not do freely but that's a post for another time).

I need to learn to be patient with myself. I mean, I'm about to embark on a journey that I don't have a map for. I can't even ask to borrow someone else's map b/c I don't know anyone who has been on this journey. It's a very lonely feeling at times and I'm learning to be OK with that.

One stride at a time

2008-09-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

I always loved running... it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs. ~Jesse Owens

Everyone who has run knows that its most important value is in removing tension and allowing a release from whatever other cares the day may bring. ~Jimmy Carter

I mentioned before how much I cherish the time I spend running. The very act of it, the repetition of my feet hitting the pavement, has a very calming effect on me. When I am fighting myself up a tough climb, more times than not, I can will myself up it with a simple mantra "one more step, just one more".

I let my mind drift away by listening to an assortment of running podcasts. It's sort of like running with someone but without have the actual physical company. It's nice to listen and get the occassional giggle out of antics of fellow runners.

I am by no means a fast runner. I am not built for speed. On a good 5K, I'm a 10 minuter. The long runs, I chug along at a 12 minute pace. I'm not out to break records, expect my own personal ones. I truly enjoy the physical outlet of the run. I enjoy the tired muscles, the burning lungs, the fatigue when it's all done.

More than the physical benefits, I cherish the mental benefits. No matter how bad I feel, I don't cry when I run. No matter how tired. No matter how much pain. No matter how stressed or emotionally drained. For some reason, I don't cry. It's not something I dwell on or try to figure out. I just don't. It's a beautiful escape for my mind just to concentrate on the physical nature of me. To let all all that is bothering me to be left behind for the 30, 40, 50 minutes as I take one stride at a time.

Insomnia

2008-09-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write some cool haiku or prose or something right now about insomnia but I'm not much of a writer. Or even sketch it out.

In fact, I'm finding that it is becoming more and more difficult to express myself these days.

I can never find the right words to write. Or pick a song to share. I can't even pick out the right words of someone else to get my point across.

I just can't seem to tell people how I feel or what's going on in my mind and, more importantly, in my heart.

Huge weights would be lifted off my shoulders if I could do that. If I could just get it out.

But, I can't. Or won't. Or am too scared to. Or probably just shouldn't.

Long Time No See

2008-09-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've never been much on New Year's Resolutions so when I said in the beginning of this blog that I would be better about keeping it up to date, well, I did have good intentions.....

I'm gonna be honest, it's been a very rough couple of weeks.

The wedding is 7 weeks away! There is still SO MUCH I have to get done but because of my mental approach to things, it's been impossible to get anything done.

See, my problem has many differnt facets and trying to address them all has been a challenge that I am way too overwhelmed by to conquer.

I've mentioned before that long distance relationships are a challenge. Planning a wedding in the midst of a long distance relationship is not something I would ever wish on anyone. Especially if you are the one moving.

For me, it's been becoming more difficult to confidently take a leap from my life in West Chester to a life in Sand Springs. I mean, I'm saying good bye to EVERYTHING I have known for 31 years for something that for a life that is going to be a recreation of me. I'm going to have to make a new life, not just for me, but one for me as a wife of Dustin. It's a very frightening thing even for the most confident person (which I'm not). I can't even pack right now because the thought leaves me in this weird feeling of wanting to throw up and absolute paralysis.

My biggest fear is what if this is not the right decision for us and how are we going to face it if it isn't? I just think about all the couples that thought that when they said "I do" and a couple of years later parted. They didn't face nearly the challenge that we are up against. It's just something that I think about. Not that I'm assuming, we're not going to make it. I wouldn't be getting married if I thought that was the case. But, it still weighs on my heart a bit.

DISCLAIMER: Dustin and I have had this conversation so it's not like I'm babbling on into the space of the internet about something I have not discussed with him.

On top of the above marriage worries, I have my grandmother going down hill in a nursing home, my baby sister currently in Ireland, and my mom being smacked in the face by empty nest syndrome.

So....needless to say, my already pre-existing anxiety issues have gone into absolute overdrive. It's like a anxiety attack feeding frenzy!

So what do I do? (After I cry my way through an entire week and stop eating all together) I quickly down load a bunch of running related pod casts. I listen to them all week. This morning, I go to Valley Forge and I do a 5 mile run.

I FEEL AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

Have my problems gone away? OH HELL NO.

Are there still a million questions circling my head asking me: are you sure this is what you want to do? Is this really the best decision for you at this point in your life? Don't think maybe you should think about this more? OF COURSE

Is my anxiety still lurking? LIKE A BOB CAT ON A SLOW HIKER.

But, for one hour and 10 minutes & 5 miles.....all I could think about was the feel of my feet hitting the pavement, getting my arms into the rhythm of the run, taking my breaths, fighting up the hills, enjoying the sun on my arms, watching the lil kids trudge up hills with their training wheels still on, seeing elderly couples walk hand in hand. I thought about what half marathon I want to try in the spring and how I was going to get Dustin to try for his first 5K.....it was amazing and perfect and I haven't felt this great in weeks.

TWEEK!

2008-07-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

It's been one of "those" weeks. Really busy with teaching & work. Trying to wrap up the wedding stuff. Grandmom is in a nursing home. I've had 2 bad sleeping nights. You get the point.

So tonight.....

I opened a bottle of wine, Okie Hummer Red from Nuyaka Wineries in Bristow, OK (funny name but good wine).
I put one of my favorite TV vices, So You Think You Can Dance.
I lit some candles.
Turned off the lights.
Turned off the computer.
And settled into my comfy bed with clean sheets and wonder smelling lavender spray.

And realized......

I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT SIT STILL!!!!!!!!

First I picked up a magazine and looked through that.
Then I put that down so I could focus on the TV and couldn't stop moving my feet.
Then I started thinking about how to wear my hair for the wedding & jewerly for my bridesmaids.
Then I started thinking about what to pack for the honeymoon and almost picked up paper to write it all down.
Then I almost took the paper to write down an inventory of stuff I need to move.
Finally I just picked up the computer and felt the need to share my hyperactivity with you :)

EXHAUSTED!!!! In a good way :)

2008-07-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

Man oh man....finally catching my breath tonight :)

The past 2 weeks have been non-stop and for once, I can say that all was positive (with the glaring exception of my grandmom being in the hospital).

First....Sister Fun Winery Weekend :) Outstanding, outstanding, outstanding!

We taste some fabulous wines, saw some beautiful scenery, ate great food, drank great beer, did not get lost, only had to turn around once b/c I went the wrong direction. It was so wonderful to spend time with my two favorite people just talking about anything and everying. We watched Willy Wonka and Harry Potter (discussing how attractive Daniel Radcliffe is while drinking beer is an interesting experience). I am just so blessed to have to Mandie and Maggie as my sisters :)

Then this weekend, I got to spend a night with my Lunberjacks :) Susan, Denise and Tara! We had an awesome night out. We like to sample dive bars which usually involves drinking all sorts of light beers and talking to all sorts of characters. Those girls are my "good clean fun" crew! Never ever ever ever ever a dull moment and that's how we love it :D

So....that was the good.

The bad was that my 96yo grandmom is in the hospital. She's doing well for someone living with a 96yo heart. We joke that she has 9 lives....no really, we're pretty sure she does because there is absolutely no other explanation ;)

Well, that's my update. I'm going to try to add more pics to this blog. I'm not really all that technologically nimble (or much of a speller) so, be patient with me ;)

Over Reactors Anonymous

2008-06-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

OK.....

I admit it.

I am.....

-a chronic over-reactor
-a chronic worrier
-a royal pain in the ass when I am stressed
-difficult to deal with when I am stressed
-unreasonable when things don't go exactly when and how I want them to go when I am stressed

I have been so incredibly stressed and feeling so incredibly over-whelmed.

I want everything planned and perfect. No surprises.

Guess what?

You wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans :P

So....what brought this on?

Somehow the perfect little house made itself available for me and Dustin to rent :) Fingers crossed that it all works out and it stays available for us this summer.

I'm going to admit something......one of the first things I thought of about having the house was how cool it would be to have a sign in the front that says "The Hughes" with a Phillies flag and an OU flag hanging outside.

All of sudden, I was smiling and thinking about how absolutely ridiculous I've been acting lately. It's almost kind of embarassing to be honest.

Still having feelings of being overwhelmed and that the bottom is going to fall out and that's things aren't going to work out in the end but, that's just part of my charm ;)

Sister's Weekend

2008-06-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Time for a positive post.

Really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my sisters. I need this weekend to get away from West Chester, away from all things wedding, just want time to chill out.

So we're heading up to the Hudson Valley for a weekend of wine drinking and eating :)

Hoping that I come back feeling refreshed and with a new, relaxed view on things.

That's the plan.

Ugh

2008-06-17T17:10:00.001-07:00

Life is just a little too much for me to handle these days. My emotions have been all over place!

I don't deal with uncertainity well. I really like to go into a situation with a fair amount of confidence that I know how it's all going to turn out. I'm not big into surprises.

Being involved in a long distance relationship pretty much blows all of that out of the water. They involve alot of trust and faith. Something I'm not very comfortable with most days and really not into when I'm stressed.

So, in review.....

Long distance relationship + planning a wedding + planning a move from PA to OK + finding a job when I get out there + trying to create a new life for myself while balancing the natural stresses of a new marriage while missing my friends and family = I think I'm going to stay in bed for the next year, wake me when it's over.

6 months

2008-06-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

6 months ago I lost a close friend.

My friend, Phil, lost his battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Cancer sucks. Watching a friend fight it for almost 2 years and lose really sucks.

The part that that hurts the most is that he left behind this beautiful person, Dani. His wife of only 18 months. His soulmate. His widow.

Sometimes I just don't get it.

I have a strong faith in God. I don't always believe that God does thing for a reason though. I feel like sometimes God has the best of intentions when God does something but doesn't really realize the tsunami that follows those decisions right away. In the long run, we all get it but right now it down right sucks.

And that's why I believe in God. God is just like us. God says or does things with but doesn't always realize the impact.

I do that alot.

But tonight, I just miss Phil. I miss his annoying laugh, his irreverent jokes, his gossiping, his smile, his view of the world, his love.

So, if you are reading this and have any whiskey in the cabinet, don't be shy. Have a sip or two.

I believe that God and Phil are sharing one with us.

Do Over!

2008-06-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

OK....I deleted my old blog because it was ridiculously outdated and I decided to start fresh under the same name.

So, I apologize if anyone was attached to the old one but, this is the NEW AND IMPROVED Life as Katie Blog.

Sooooo......whatcha wanna talk about?

How about the fact that my hubby-to-be (so much less formal than fiancee) is shrinking every day? Dustin is down 30lbs since January! I didn't realize how big of a difference that was until I looked at pics from last May and pics from this May!

I've lost 2 lbs just in case you wanted to root me on. 2 POUNDS! 2. II.

Other than that, I'm deep into wedding planning.....T minus 4 months 3 1/2 weeks. Right now, I'm in the middle of fun with invitations! Ooooooo ahhhhhhhh....paper.

(Note to others out there considering the fine institution of marriage: either elope or accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong with living in sin and bringing lil ones into this world.....just saying)

In all seriousness, I can't wait til the wedding: food, alcohol, dancing, a big puffy dress, and my closet family and friends. It'll be great. Followed by a week on a big boat with food, alcohol, dancing, napping, and the new hubby.

So that's the life update right now. I promise to be more diligent about posting my thoughts, rants, raves, laughs, cries, and whatever else my fingers feel like typing :)